Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
