I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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