there's paper in my vomit.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
