sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
