shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
