sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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