on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
