Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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