I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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