If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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