I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
