I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
