my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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