You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
