does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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