I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
