my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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