I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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