why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
