My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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