if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
