I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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