I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
