Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Congratulations! We have a period
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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