When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
