My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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