between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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