a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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