now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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