i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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