I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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