I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
