They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
