Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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