Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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