Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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