I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
