He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
