Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
