Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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