She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize