Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
