I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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