I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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