I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
