I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize