i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
