I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
