Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
