god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
