im drinking this country out of the recession.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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