Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
