mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
