headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Damn victory sex feels great
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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