i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize