Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
