She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
someone owes me an orgasm
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
