tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
