I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hippo gnu deer
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
