Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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