you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
