Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
