Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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