i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
