My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
